There is a disorder that is making sense of breakups—alexithymia. This personality disorder renders a person unable to communicate or understand their feelings or anyone else’s feelings, including their partner.
As you can imagine, the person who has this condition does not suffer alone. Their partner usually feels lonely and unable to connect. Nick Frye-Cox, a doctoral student at the University of Missouri, studied people with this condition. He found that although the disordered person can describe physical feelings such as a headache, stomachache or rapid heart rate, they cannot identify if the emotion accompanying the physical is sad, happy or upset.
People with this disorder have trouble relating to others, and they tend to be uncomfortable in social situations, which may also cause them to suffer social anxiety. They present as being the stoic type and avoid emotional topics. Many people with Alexithymia get married because they like the security and sense of feeling that they belong—but it is nearly impossible to build an emotional intimate relationship with them. When surveyed, they reported feeling lonely and had low marriage quality.
Alexithymia affects both men and women, but tends to be more common in men. People with this condition are constantly weighing the costs and benefits of being in a relationship, so they enter and exit quite easily because they don’t expect others to be able to meet their needs, and they don’t try to meet the needs of their partner.
This personality trait is correlated with other conditions such as autism, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorders, substance abuse and depression. There is a spectrum for this disorder, meaning some people may suffer from it minimally while others suffer severely. The treatment for Alexithymia maybe dependent on the disorder it accompanies. If you are in a committed relationship with someone suffering from this disorder, the most important thing is to take care of you and begin therapy for emotional strength and guidance.
Because your partner cannot appreciate emotions or discuss them, it will be important to establish a group of close friends who are aware of your situation. Become invested in your interests, especially if they are of the emotional nature. This will help you feel more complete.
When you do things with your partner, make sure they are things you both enjoy doing together. Sharing activities can keep you close and connected on a physical level.
If you have mature children, both you and your children should discuss the disorder so your child understands. Helping your children understand their parent’s inability to express or understand emotion helps them feel more secure in themselves.
Because the majority of these relationships are not strong, it is important that you don’t blame your partner for what they cannot do. Alexithymia is passed down genetically or can be caused by severe stress. I have seen couples work through this disorder, but it requires patience and understanding from both partners. Having Alexithymia is not a death sentence for a relationship, if the couple works together ensuring both partners’ needs are fulfilled in other ways.